I am Zseots

I'm not even going to lie. I have had two mocha's today, within the last 5 hours, and I kind of have the most intense feeling ever right now, and the shakes. This most be what it feels like to be a meth or crack addict. Soon I will be doing the head twitch fresh prince of belaire style all 'mind your business now, just mind your business'. Wowzers. Do not go to the Tim Hortons drive thru on 22nd by Giant Tiger though. the guy working there can actualy stick his hands into your car past your face and when you look at him funny when he does that while you are trying to put your wallet back into your purse he will say 'Haha, I love long arrrmms.'
Can you say Douchechill? (that was definetly a douchechill moment.)

So yeah. I never post in here, because I fail at life. Latley I haven't had much to say, and I have been really busy with school and work, but I had my last final on Wednesday so now its like wtfbbqlolz, I have too much free time on my hands. If you know me, do not expect to get anything spectacular from me for Christmas because I am one broke bastard.
Wednesday was the most intense day of my life ever though. I had my sociology final that day, and around 730 am a roommate of a school friend of mine (I am friends with the roommate as well, and she actually goes to school with my best friend Lindsay) called me from an ambulance to tell me they had just got into a really bad accident, and that Jeremy would not be there to write his final. I kind of flipped out and was really scared for them, because I could tell when Darcell called me that she was in shock. I was also freaking out because neither of them have any family here. I had to talk to my instructors about the situation, and I didn't have a lot of information for them, and I was really upset, and it was so awkward, and I had to write a final, and everyone wanted to know where Jeremy was, but I didn't want anyone else to worry during their final, and then I didn't know if I was like the most horrible person, or the smartest person in the history of time to not tell them until later.
Anywho, Lindsay and I ended up going to the hospital later. They had Darcell on a bed just laying in the middle of the hallway. I have no idea how neither of them were not seriously injured because the car was completely totalled, and they had to use the jaws of life to get Jeremy out of the car, as well as rip the whole top off. I felt so terrible for anyone who has ever been in the ER because it feels like you are really just treated like a number, not a patient or a human being. Everyone is so busy rushing around, they never have time to stop for a minute to tell you what test they are going to do next.

Latley I have kind of been in a bitchy mood and stressing out, and I have been having these really impulsive intense emotions, like wanted to stab people that piss me off in the eye with a fork. (of course I would never really do that ever, and i do not consider myself to be a violent person or dangerous in anyway. Please do not call the PO-PO on me.)

On a side note - all nighter bitch fest with bff's you haven't hung out with in forevs are the best eva. Boys and people are overrated.

Hahaha. my mom was just calling herself fat, so I told her to shut up or that I would punch her in the ovaries...oh I had a goodlaugh. I think I am still half drunk but I am amazing myself with how well I am typing right now. I never update so I think now is a good time.
So last night I went out for my birthday. We started the night at Winstons, Krista and Mark and I were the first ones to be there, shortly followed by Dennis and Jan, then Justin and Michelle. I started the night off with a couple pints of rock creek cider. Mark Krista and I told everyone about our run in with the Po-Po and illegal substances which occured last Friday. Soon Chelsea and Laura showed up, and a Priarie (i cant spell) fire showed up at the table. It honestly took me 20 minutes to brace myself enough to down the shot, and I was so impressed with myself when I did it without vomitting or gaging, but i will admit that shot gets worse with time because your whole mouth starts on fire. , anyways by that time i was really drunk, my friend Dana showed up, and so did hayley, and so i continued to yell obscene things at people, and call random people, and text msg, and quote snl throughout the rest of the evening, and shots just kept coming at me left and right I had nowhere to turn to escape it! I had heart to hearts in the bathroom with some people, then off to the hose we went where i decided that i was going to be more girly, and i wore a nice sweater, and i decided i needed to learn how to dance, so we went and got 'jiggy' with it on the dance floor, and i think i accidently pulled some girls hair...needless to say i got glared at. i continued to tell people how important they were to me, kissed everyone repeatedly on the cheek, and went up to Jay from the band Adistin because i thought it was very important that i offically introduce myself to him, and give him words of advice to hurry up and finish their god damn cd. I continued to yell, and play the naked man game picture finder thing (i love that game), i think i got into a fist fight with mark where he just repeatedly tried to punch me in the kidneys so then i kept yelling "STOP OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE OVARIES...BUT YOU DONT HAVE OVARIES SO I GUESS YOUR REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS! I AM GOING TO STUN THE PRODUCTION OF MAN KIND FOR LIFEEEEE!' I thought i was really hardcore. I really don't remember a whole lot of other things, and repeating my stories they don't seem too amazing, but you will have to take my word that last night was amazing.

Mark. says:
if amber was working then she would have like fainted or something
MiChElLe - says:
Fuck imagine Lori
MiChElLe - says:
fuck
Mark. says:
her mole would attack
MiChElLe - says:
HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
MiChElLe - says:
HHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA
MiChElLe - says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAA
Mark. says:
it would defend it's owner
MiChElLe - says:
It's comin to getcha!
MiChElLe - says:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAA

I got a letter from kelsey siast, and I am finally accepted into my course for Youth Care Worker for the fall, its just a matter of me deciding whether or not I want to actually take it. I'm kind of scared.

Don't get me wrong. I am not one of those, 'bahh, humbug' sort of folk. I do enjoy Christmas and all its entirety. The food, the togetherness, and all that jazz. I love my family, and I actually like spending time with them, but just because i love them, doesn't mean they don't annoy the hell out of me, let me explain why.

As much as my Dad and I enjoy my Mom's cooking, all the deliciousness does not come without a price. You see my Mom has this disease my Dad and I like to call Bernice Syndrom (Bernice, being the name of my Grandma.) Although my Grandma has mellowed a lot in her old age, and has been nothing but loving towards me, it hasn't always been this way. My Mom and her have had..lets just say, a falling out in my Mom's younger years, needless to say, my Mom, although they get along great now, does not like to be compared to her. Most people think my Mom is this sweet lil' innocent middle aged woman, and in most cases they are right, but there are times this isnt just so. Seriously, if you get in her way while she is cooking or cleaning, YOU WILL SUFFER HER WRATH. This is why it is called the Bernice Sydrome. It's not always there, but at times when all her energy is concentrated on one thing, it's like she forgets to be human. This ugly beast with a terrible temper, worst than most people ever see just comes right out of woodwork..this proves that she did get some of my Grandmothers genes..Around this time, my Dad and I try to stay out of her way, by finding things to do outside of the house, which usually results in her giving us the silent treatment (another symptom of the Bernice Syndrom), because we weren't around to help her. This all ends once the company is over of course, and she is back to her normal, peppy self.

For any of you who watch Everybody Loves Raymond, and knows what Ray's mother, Marie, is like, well that is just a milder version of my Grandma Anne. She has a complete heart of gold, but if any of you have noticed how sometimes i ramble on about meaninless things, and it takes me forever to get to a point of the story, IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY. It scares me to think how i see her in me sometimes. Usually the whole Christmas supper revolves around us saying one thing, and her relating to some story from 50 years ago, and my Dad getting mad, and cutting her off, which brings her into a bigger ramble..so on, so forth vicious cylce. You see, If my Grandma tells you a story about how she ran out of milk, its not just ' I ran out of milk, so I had to go to the store and get some' it's more like 'This morning, at 9, I was going to have my daily bowl of cereal, and I looked in the fridge, and we were out of milk, so I asked Lindsay ( My Papa) If he drank all of it, and he said he did, and I asked him why he didn't tell me yesterday, so i could get some, and he forgot. so well, I had to walk 3 blocks south, catch the number 9 bus north 8 blocks, get off the bus, cross the street, ran into an elderly lady, told her about my delmia, then I kept walking 4.445254533 blocks until I reached the store, and i went inside, went to the milk cooler, grabbed a milk, went to the counter, the man said it was 2.59 for a one litre, so i scragned for my money, i gave him 2.64, so he gave me a nickel back, and he asked me how i was doing today, so I told him I just wanted some cereal and I realized I was out of milk, so I had to walk 3 blocks south, catch the number 9 bus north 8 blocks, get off the bus, cross the street, walk another 4.445254533 blocks until I reached the store, and that I was going to go home, and relax after. So I left the store, and got back on the bus, and went home, put up my feet, read the paper, had my bowl of cereal and watched golf.' YES. PAINFUL TO HEAR ALL OF IT, ISN'T IT?!! Imagine this all going on throughout the course of the meal, and the fact I went to Toronto for a week and a half with her. As I said before though, she does have a heart of gold, sweetest lady you could ever meet, and I love her very much.

Then it comes to my Grandma Bernice. See my Grandma's are both very close now, and they have a good realtionship, because my Grandma Anne rattles on and on, and my Grandma Bernice just listens. You see, My Grandma Bernice actually lived with us this summer, for three months, and out of this whole three months i talked to her maybe a total of 10 minutes. She is the hardest person to talk to, with her big conversation topic being of the weather, of course, she was living with us because my Grandpa was in the hospital here, and they are originally from Meadow Lake (though they have had to move here now), so there was always the topic of how my Grandpa was doing, but that lasted about a whole 3 minutes of the conversation. It was needless to say, the most awkward 3 months of my life..I love my Grandma..but she is...well..dull, and very very serious. For those of you who don't know, she almost had an anerism when she was living with us, and Mark and I went out, ALONE, WITHOUT ME ASKING MY DAD FIRST, because Mark, surprise surprise, is in the male species. Also, my Grandma has a compulsive cleaning habit, so bad that as soon as i came into the house, she would arrange my shoes, before i barley even had a chance to put a cup into the sink, it would be clean and put away. It is insane.

Seeing as my Papa's are just there along for the ride, this brings me to my Dad. Definetly one of my favorite parts of family get togethers. He is the prodder. The guy who gets my grandma's ralled up. He does things that he KNOWS will get them going. Let me tell you some situations

a) Back in the day, when my Mom was working evenings, My Dad would always make supper, usually consisting of Macaroni and Cheese. Usually, every night, this would end up in some sort of huge burner fire, because he was busy watching sports desk instead of the burner, the firealar, buzzing, and us having to open the patio door for fresh air. Usually my dad was pretty good at cleaning this stuff up, but one night he didn't because he knew my Grandma Bernice was coming over in a few days. Sure enough, as soon as she walks in the door, my Grandma starts looking for things to clean, in no time, she is at the stove scrubbing the burner, saying ' MY GOSH, WHO DID THIS?'..My Dad and I both watching trying out hardest not to laugh.

also, when he really wants to make her frustrated, he hides the vacuum on her.

b) One other time when my Papa and Grandma were in the city, and they came over for supper, my Dad made a point of, in the middle of supper, getting up, standing on the edge of the living room floor, which was in plain view of the kitchen, with an apple, to watch sports desk, peeling an apple, and letting all the peels fall onto the rug. My Grandma Bernice almost had a coniption, and i honestly thought her eyes were about to pop out of her head.

C) When driving with my Grandma B, he drives like an ultra idiot.

D) My Dad always makes a point to pretend to be winding my Grandma Anne up from her back, like a winding toy when she is rambling, as well as saying things loudly that would make her ramble more, during one of her ramblings, but she doesnt hear them, because she is rambling..which makes it funny, and my Dad continues to do them.

E) My Dad and I make an effort to let my mom know her Bernice Syndromn Symptoms are showing, and then when she gives us the silent treatment, we become ultra annoying so she talks to tell us to shut up.

I don't really know a good way to end this off..all in all i guess my family is pretty entertaining, but when we have our holiday supper, Me and My Dad both know whats coming, and we try to brace ourselves best we can.....

Krista, Mark, and I went on our our version of a Pub walk, though it was a little too cold for my liking to do so..i was wearing 4 layers of clothing, and looked like a snow man, and everytime we went to leave it got a little bit more difficult to put all my sweaters and jackets back on. It was fun though, besides the fact that everyone was lame, and was working, or going to the lame-o barrr. I'm definetly more of a Pub person, than a bar person. I couldn't dance if my life depended on it, and people aren't so desperate at bars..they aren't there just to pick someone up...
Anyways it was a good night. I got drank a few pints of Rock Creek Cider, which Krista got me hooked on, it's super good, Vodka Specials, Long Island Iced Teas, yummy Bottle Cap shots and felt classy by drinking Martini's. Dennis showed up for a bit, which was nice, because we don't get a chance to see him often. We also so Dana's friend Andrew, and a couple people we knew from Hayley/shows, so it was an alright night. Krista and I got excited when we realized we knew the boy who was on the Sasktel Advertisment in the bathroom..and apparently he works at GC teleservices...or so the graffiti on the advertisment told me so...
Mark kept trying to do some crazy Ninja moves on us..and almost made me crack my head on the cement when he jumped on me. Krista made a scene at Pita pit, and we went to the Black Duck, and O'sheas, and played the erotic picture finding game, and got 1st and 2nd place for the worst scores ever, and Krista got excited, and yelled 'SHES ON THE NEWS!' when she saw the lady, who apparently works on the news...she gave Krista quite the funny look indeed.
The night ended, and i came home, tried to be quiet, and stubbed my toe super hard, and broke my pinky toe. I rule.

Wow. This last week has been extremely uneventful, and honestly, that's just the way i like it. Its amazing how much fun and relaxing hanging out with a handful of friends in a basement and watching boxsets can be. I'm a little upset right now though, because i have finished watching news radio&Scrubs on the same day, and there is this empty void knowing i am done the season of it..its sad i know..its like i lost a friend or something...
Hayley decided that i am pop culture illiterate and made a list of 50 movies i need to watch, and in all honesty right now, thats all i want to do. Going out, getting drunk or getting high, just really has no appeal to me, which is the reason i obviously havent done either for months, besides me drinking on my birthday of course, even giong to shows, which i havent done in a month or 2, has no appeal on me, though that could very well change the second i go to one. I'm missing Gwar this week, and I just don't care. I'm starting to realize ther eis no problem in just being at home, alone, in my basement, or going to spend time with my family, because i realize these little things i am taking advantage of, are soon one day going to be gone. This sounds really emo and lame, but whatever.
This last month has also showed me who are and are not my true friends. In all honesty, I am completely content with who i am, and who is in my life right now, even though sometimes i take that for granted as well, im so lucky to be surronded my such great friends and family. It's sad to think that certain people only think your cool and a good friend when they are intoxicated, or when there isnt anyone better around, and that may sound completely bitter, but in all honesty, i don't care. ALl i know is if those 'cooler, funnier, and better people' are out of the picture, i am not going to be as willing to try and make plans, or letting their fucking guilt trips get to me. I'm done with pleasing other people right now, because i have came to realize i need to fucking please myself, and stop faking friendships that aren't really there to begin with, and making more of an effort with the ones that are.

I am going to try to be a more forward person (is that even possible?) because im tired of being a pushover and walked all over. I need to get a fucking backbone, and stop caring so much about what other people are going to think about me if every move i do isn't to please them.

I have decided that this next week I am going to become a hermit and dedicate myself to watching the rest of the news radio boxset,and watch the whole scrubs first season I have. I'm effin excited.
I was super stoked today cuz they actually have Undeclared out on Boxset, and I have clone high on order. WOOT.

I start my new work week on Saturday. As of this weekend - I am Monday to Friday..and if I might say..
ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME.
yess.

I'm stressing out, and I'm pretty sure this is the last straw. There are ppl in this world that mostly just cause me more heartache than anything but i feel like i have some kind of attachment obligation where its really hard to let go. People change, beliefs, morals, personalities, PEOPLE change, and i have a hard time accepting that. I have a hard time accepting that there are people who i was once best friends with, and the fact is i can't make much more than small talk with them. Letting go is so hard, but i'm sure everyone knows that, from some perspective or another, and its hard accepting the fact that in reality you were just being used, and the people or person you call a best friend, is harder and harder to make time for. I dont know why i am blurting this out on the internet, but i guess it's my livejournal, and then this way i can get things off my chest and never touch the subject again.

The thought of moving actually is making me sick to my stomach. The fact that i am a horrible Grandaughter/daughter and friend the past few months makes me feell even more sick. I've been way to self fuckin involved latley, picking fights over stupid shit, and letting things get to me way to fucking easily.

I need to start over. I need to learn to let things FUCKING GO. I need to deal with the fact that if we have to move, its the best thing for my family, and i need to stop being so FUCKIN selfish and just DEAL WITH IT. I need to be happy to have a roof over my head, with family and friends who care, and stop caring about the ones who couldn't care less.